After two deaths in the family, I was for a couple of months reclusive and lonely yet I live normal as I could. I return back to the same activities everyday and I did not cry. I was so busy that I don't have time to grieve and to feel sorry. I lost a brother-in-law who treated us like his own family and I doted on him too. I hope he felt that when he was alive. My real brother is a different story. He doted on me when I was growing up. He has little but he would always share it me. I moved on and live my life, we rarely see each other. But he was always there waiting for me, the same brother all through those years, his heart, his ways and the way he cares for me. I witnessed this when he was dying. I am not religious but I am very spiritual. I set aside the thought that he could be dying because I was busy with my life. The night before he died, he visited me in my dreams, he looked young wearing his favorite striped shirt, he whispered to me he will go ahead first, he embraced me and kissed my head. I woke up wondering that morning so I called back home, I realize that he was about to die yet he patiently waited for my call. I put down the phone with a heavy heart and by 12:30 pm, he passed away.
It all starts with God and it will end with God.
Yes, 49 and the thought of aging makes me panic. The hard truth of aging is in me.. the roots of my hair have turned white, I can't do anything with my bulging stomach.. for God's sake I don't eat that much..oh yes, cut it out..I do bake but it doesn't mean that I eat them..no of course not! Don't ever tell me to exercise, jog or walk because I am busy, I have no time for those besides Im dieting you know. The privilege of aging is that I can get angry. Excuse me, I'm in my perimenopause stage but it doesn't mean I am menopause already. I have 5 more years to suffer it so please stop asking if it stops already. I hate that question duh! you don't ask that question, are you my doctor? ha ha ha! Don't tell me that age is just a number because its a lie. The reality is you feel the changes in your body, theres ache, sometimes its kinda hard to recall. I realized that aging gracefully happens only when you accept the challenge of your age. Focus on things that matter to you most. Do things that will produce positive influence in your outlook.. Be positive even if you're in pain, tired and sometimes lonely.
I turned 49 and two of my love ones went back to God. Yes, this is happening ..the reality that life is short..is real and we are not in control of what's gonna happen today and tomorrow. Back then I was not bothered by days and years, you see I have this excuse to myself: ".Oh darling.. you have all the time in the world." then at 49 two deaths in a row happened, suddenly I am in panic.. "Oh my God Im losing track of time and I need to hurry up.' Don't tell me to relax because I can't afford to do that..no no no!. God has given me ample time. He waited for me patiently to finally muster my courage and stand up for the things that He hope and wanted me to do so. What?.. at 49, isn't it too late.. but I believe that in God's way and timing, there won't be early nor too late. Everything happens for a reason in His own perfect time for us. Yeah, its too cliché but its true. I know that, trust me.
Dear God, I turned 49 ,may it be a reminder that sooner it will end with you
Regardless of what I've been through I see things, I appreciate life and I'm ready.
Forgive me for being adamant, discouraged, tired.. with all my bouts of complaints
It all starts with you and as the remaining years of my life unfolds
Help me to fulfill what you have envisioned me to be
For apart from being a woman and a partner to the man you gave me
The children that you gifted to me, my work family and friends
There is something more between you and me that I needed to do
Help me to fulfil your call, make my life a gift to my family and others.
Amen.
These are just my musings because I am now 49 and I'm sure I am not alone. There are others out there who feels the same way I do. Well its alright, the harsh reality of aging is real, right in front of us but we can still do better. I believe its about time to do other things besides being a mom, a worker and friend. Yes, its starts with God, and we are accountable in the end to do something for God, to return the favor of his loving kindness to us. May God Bless us all.. Oh you all Mom at 49, Lets eat. Lets giggle. Lets be merry.
Post a Comment